Tuesday, 13 March 2012

BPL 2011-12 BABY!

Due to my lack of decent ideas, this post will be the equivalent of a "clips" show from a friends episode.

Nothing funny has happened in a while and my to-do list is a scarier sight than Titus Bramble approaching you in a dark alley...naked and clumsy.

As I say every season, this has been a brilliant Premier League campaign...except for Liverpool, Aston Villa and QPR. I am kinda forced into sympathising with one of those teams - and it's not Liverpool - so hard luck to them.

On with the waffle!

I think it is best to assess teams in descending league order a) because I'm lazy and b) because for the first time since October, Manchester United are first. Lick my testes City. Please note: it is best you read this immediately. Given the mediocrity of so many teams, a team who are eighth here may be thirteenth by Sunday. It's nothing to do with the fact that my heart skips a tiny, tiny beat when I get an extra page viewer, particularly if they're from overseas. Coz I don't. I'm professional. Like Carlos Tevez.

MANCHESTER UNITED - It seems Manchester United are actually making a habit of copying all their past seasons. Make an average start, make sure you fall five points behind at some stage, catch up at Christmas, cock it up in January, lose to the worst team in the league, then end up six points clear in April and no-one knows how. As much as I wish I was as magnetic and sexually intense as him, it is not often I agree with Alan Hansen, but he is right when he is says this United team rarely play really well but find themselves top. It truly is a credit to Sir Alex Ferguson that such an average, average team are top. Any manager who can give Michael Carrick four Premier League medals and the chance of a fifth is something special.

MANCHESTER CITY - By contrast, if you listen to the media, City play well in every game, have the best players in the world and in Mario Balotelli, have a man as talented and enigmatic as Jesus or Bender from Futurama. And yet they find themselves second. Of course, things can change, but people overlook the fact that their away form is atrocious, their defence is poor and without Yaya Toure eating opposition midfielders, the team is sub-standard. Their run in will test them, and like at Swansea for that fat bloke, it could all end in tears. If Sheikh Mansour ends up spending half a billion pounds on a team that can't beat this Manchester United team, Roberto Mancini can expect to return home to see his loved ones bound to a chair. Knowing Roberto, he would probably wait for the Sheikh to apologise, and all will be well...provided he can prove himself fit to perform whatever task the manager wants.

TOTTENHAM - SPURS IF YOU CHOKE FROM HERE YOU WILL BE LAUGHED AT FOR ETERNITY. Arsenal have actually given Spurs their annual trophy - the North London cup - this year. In all honesty, Tottenham really deserve to finish above Arsenal given their respective seasons, but you often don't get what you deserve, e.g. buying Roman Pavlyuchenko. Spurs have played really well but they are being worked out via a combination of a tough fixture list and Benoit Assou-Ekotto. Add in the fact that Luka Modric is the most over-rated player in the world, and the problems start adding up. I still think they will finish third, but if they don't then - given the ability of Arsenal fans to wind people up - Harry Redknapp will wish he'd been found guilty of tax evasion. When Arsenal fans can gloat at you, you'd rather be behind bars.

ARSENAL - The Gunners, or the Robin Van Persie XI, after an embarrassing start to the season are suddenly within touching distance of Spurs, with Arsene Wenger's hot, onion breath on Tottenham's neck. Simply put, Arsenal were awful at the beginning of the season, but have turned it round, much to the cost of my sanity...and maybe for Arsenal themselves. I often say this, but Arsenal are a fantastic club, but they are still papering over the cracks. For a team with alleged world-beaters in every position, their quality is not what it was. Perhaps they need to take off the hand-brake. Something remains fundamentally wrong with how the club is run and how transfer funds are distributed. If the ambition is to break-even and finish fourth, then they are doing a fine job. The quality of their football and Tottenham's new-found superiority complex means I hope Arsenal finish third, but work must be done next year to ensure that third is not top of the priority list.

CHELSEA - Ahhh Chelsea. I did a piece on you last week, a piece that nearly cost me my dinner, so the less said about you, the better. Things need to change or you'll be just like a former big club with annoying fans and poor ambition. Talking of which...

NEWCASTLE - Have had a great season, but momentum is starting to wane. That said, they will finish above Liverpool. Alan Pardew has done a great job in making Newcastle similar to what they were in the past, which is annoying because he's a pretty shit manager. You'll notice my analysis of each team is getting shorter, it's because I'm getting bored.

LIVERPOOL - Contrary to Sir Alex Ferguson, Just Kenny Dalglish has succeeded only in making a mediocre team more mediocre. A Carling Cup success against Cardiff has been the highlight, but if beating Wales' second best team is as good as it gets, then L O frigging L. Perhaps Kenny is merely rebuilding, and with such a tight budget, no-one is denying what a difficult job he has, but things look grim. That said, they will at least have the delicious, low-hanging fruit of the Europa League to pick next year.

SUNDERLAND - Are eighth. That's basically all I know. After sacking Steve Bruce, Martin O'Neill was brought in and has done a fantastic job, he's even got Nicklas Bendtner scoring for God's sake, give that man - Martin, not Nicklas - a knighthood. (Feel free to make St. Nik jokes).

EVERTON - Like Manchester United, have the same season over and over again. Start terribly, consider moving David Moyes on, then David glares at them with his glowing red eyes and they think better of it. Like every year, they are ninth, and look set to stay there. Why are Scottish managers amazing? Because Scottish people can't PLAY football, only ANALYSE it...hence Alan Hansen and Andy Gray still having jobs...ish.

FULHAM - I haven't fallen down the stairs, this bit will be done as if said by Martin Jol...coz I'm hilarious. Fulham have had a dechent sheashon, that new Russian guy whoshe name I cannot shay hash done really well, with Clint Dempshey continuing to improve. Shexhy Martin Jol hash got Fulham playing Shumptuoush shoccer, and shafety is shecure for another year, at thish rate, they may finish ash the besht team in Wesht London.

SWANSEA - Having a great year, with their ... manager doing a great job. I put a "..." there because I have no idea where he's from, but he's called Brendan Rodgers. Their style of passing from the back should have been worked out ages ago, and in many ways, it was. Then teams forgot how to combat it and they look certain to play in the English Premier League once more. (Thanks for Sunday.)

NORWICH - Seriously, how the f**k have Norwich not been relegated? They have NO players and play in a crater. And yet they are twelfth and certain to stay up. I know more of their fans than their players, but despite such a limited playing squad, Paul Lambert - another Scot - has worked miracles. Anyone who can get Grant Holt to score three times as many goals as the world-class Fernando Torres deserves a pat on the back.

STOKE- Stoke were eighth or something once. Now they're thirteenth. They were in the Europa League. Now they're not. They used to play physical, unattractive football...

WEST BROM - Are fourteenth

ASTON VILLA - Another Scottish manager! Who is doing a TERRIBLE job, so we will move on. They are safe for now, but without Darren Bent, a crap side has become shit. If Alec Mcleish is still manager next season, I will apply for the Aston Villa job.

BLACKBURN - A Scottish manager who, contrary to moronic, impulsive, stupid fans, is doing a good job. What Blackburn fans don't realise is that they support Blackburn. Firstly because they are from Blackburn and thus off their tits on White Star Cider and secondly because Blackburn are NOT a big club. Mid-table should be the height of their ambition. It seems the height of the ambition of their fans is to settle down in a nice house with their sister/wife and start their own lives.

BOLTON - A Scottish manager who always wears shorts. Bolton are struggling but slowly starting to improve. They have the players to remain safe...wait, no they don't, their team is awful, but their manager is savvy enough to keep them safe.

QPR - What on earth?! The "Four-Year Plan" obviously didn't take into account what would happen to QPR AFTER they got promotion to the Premier League, because it's gone tits up and they don't have a clue. With Mark Hughes as manager - WHO IS WELSH, NOT SCOTTISH MUAHAHA - what else did we expect? Have the quality to turn things round, but their run-in suggests otherwise.

WOLVES - Have some bloke as manager. Why they sacked Mick McCarthy last month is a mystery and the fact they play United next means that I will keep my mouth shut, but things are spiralling a little too quickly, and the end looks nigh.

WIGAN - Remain the poorest team in the league but somehow look capable of staying up. They have been in the Premier League for SEVEN years now, wtf?! Surely that stay will come to end. I like their manager, but they add nothing to the league and the sooner they are relegated, the better.

There we have it, a Premier League review which took me three times longer than I thought it would take due to my major difficulties in understanding the BBC Sport website. I hope I haven't been too harsh, but one laugh would vindicate me...so would a page view...not that I count them.

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