Monday, 5 March 2012

Roman's roubles turn riches to rags

I tried - and failed - to get a decent headline done by 21:00. Unlike Andre Villas-Boas, I'm not going to make millions of pounds for losing my title race. Lol.

Can we please ignore that awful joke? I have a quota of puns to fulfil and it's late, so let's get on with this.

Yes, Andre Villas-Boas (until people call me D.E, I will not call him AVB) has been sacked just forty games in his "project". Haha, who calls their work a project?! Eight year-olds and douche bags, that's who. Although everyone saw the managers dismissal coming, it doesn't excuse what a ridiculous decision it is.

Now, people will testify to the fact that I don't really like Chelsea. I don't know if it's their awful stadium, their overpaid players, their abundant wealth or a combination of the lot, but we just don't get along. The arrival of Roman Abramovich and - to a lesser extent - Jose Mourinho has turned Chelsea into the equivalent of the Bush administration: All the gear, no idea.

Chelsea have become a bit like the lottery winner who spends half his winnings on Pot Noodle, that guy who says he's your "uncle", but is just a lonely, rich friend of the family or the guy who turns up at a dinner party driving a Saab, claiming none of his seven Aston Martins are working, which kind of explains why Chelsea persisted with Raul Meireles when they could have bought Luka Modric. A once proud, economically omnipotent club has become a laughing-stock, yet still harbouring unsustainable delusions of grandeur, a bit like The Only Way is Essex or Vladimir Putin. It's unlikely the two will ever meet, but I live in hope.

Mourinho-lite did not have the best time at Chelsea, winning just 19 of his 40 games at the helm, but the man had an idea. The fact it was an utterly stupid idea doesn't matter, Chelsea should have stuck it out until defeat was inevitable, a bit like Gordon Brown did. Abramovich spent a fortune in disposing of his old coach and will now have to do the same again. In 14 months, the Russian oligarch has spent almost £100 million on buying Fernando Torres and sacking Villas-Boas, that's £2.5million a game for the deposed manager and £20 million a goal for the decomposing striker. Stats aside, the manager wasn't given time and Chelsea will now suffer. In typically pessimistic style, they will continue to suffer until they stick with a manager for more than a season.

I don't think any of us will ever know what goes through Abramovich's head, but I will give it a go. My principle assumption is that he was discriminated against by Chelsea fans in his youth, although whether Chelsea prejudice extended as far east as Russia in the 1970s is open to debate. If not, maybe he just wants to take Chelsea down. If so, here is his ten-point plan for doing just that.

1) Spend loads of money 
If I get them onside, they will forgive me when I spend £70 million on David Luiz and Fernando Torres. I will ask fans to vote on whether they are good purchases, and if the results aren't favourable, they can be amended to a 65% approval rate anyway.

2) Win the league every now and then.
Like cheating in blackjack, sometimes you've got to minimise suspicion. I'll keep out of the way every couple of years to keep everyone happy. Then, when public opinion is at its highest, I will strike!

3) Rotate the "squad"
If managers can rotate their staff, so can I.

4) Buy Fernando Torres

5) Hire a manager who knows what he's doing
If I get a manager in who is good enough, his success will deprive my fans of independent thought. When he gets too good, I will get rid of him. When I do that, the fans will beg for him to return and when he does, I will be a God again.

6) Replace him with someone who doesn't
Luiz Felipe Scolari and Carlo Ancelotti (after I sack Ray Wilkins).

7) Get involved every now and then
Why not? How different can football be from Football Manager? I'll just piss off a few people and make it the managers fault.

8) Make everyone hate the club
Buy Ashley Cole. Keep John Terry.

9) Buy Fernando Torres

10) Make sure we play a Champions League final in Moscow...Then grease the crap out of the penalty spot when we have the chance to win it.

Then I'll let the shit hit the fan, may even let Di Matteo take over for a laugh.

Probably a bit speculative, but I liked it, so I hope you do too.

If Roman Abramovich really wants Chelsea to become the best team in Europe, he has a lot of work to do. God knows who they will hire (and fire) next, but they need to act fast or their season will slip away from them. In the meantime, expectations will need to be lowered if Chelsea can pick themselves up. Until then, they will be the heavyweight fighter who didn't quite make it, while the rest of the world laughs, a bit like David Haye.

I don't like Chelsea, but it is always sad to see an average club hit the murky waters of mediocrity. Here's hoping they can turn it around for their sake. If they don't, the misery will go on, and my awful jokes will continue. You decide which is worse.

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