I promised myself I wouldn't write about Valencia but...

Jaime Alguersuari said it will be good race. And who am I to doubt that behemoth of Formula One racing?

It may only be Friday, but I felt compelled to document just how boring this race could be. On the other hand, it could prove me wrong. But I'm never wrong...except the time I said that this Formula One season will be really boring. Or when I predicted that Felipe Massa would rule not just Motorsport, but the entire universe.

You may have read about it, but there have been seven different winners in this season's first seven races. I'm surprised Ben Edwards (pictured) hasn't mentioned it more, but I'm sure it will be mentioned this weekend, as there is likely to be little else to discuss.

Come get me ladies...

I remember watching last year's European Grand Prix in Portugal. Yes, I was in Portugal, not because I can afford to go to Portugal due to my flourishing journalism career, but because my family went on holiday and I don't see much sunlight, so I saw it as a good opportunity.

What I witnessed was the most boring race I have ever seen. The foreign commentary actually provided an interesting variable while the intermittent advert breaks were a blessed relief. Sebastian Vettel won the race pretty comfortably, more comfortable than a lot of his victories last season, and no one even crashed. Narain Karthikeyan, a driver who my regular readers will know I am a huge fan of, became the first ever driver to finish 24th in a Formula One race. He must be so proud.

This year, it might be a little less boring. Indeed, this morning's first practice session saw the front nine drivers separated by about two tenths of a second, which does bode well for Sunday's action. But you watch, that gap will get wider and wider until Vettel or maybe Hamilton "surprise" us all and put their car on pole.

The curious case of Jenson Button may be ending, he came fourth in practice this morning, which will be sweet relief to the Englishman, who has had a pants couple of races recently. His problem, according to oracle Alguersuari, was that he had thought his tyres weren't warming up enough, so he made changes to counter the problem, which made the original problem (overheating) even worse. None of that made any sense to me, but the more technical reader may understand. You're welcome. However, do you now see why I don't make too many analytical articles?

"WHY CAN'T I GET HEAT INTO MY TYRES?!"

I have to say it, I am a Lewis Hamilton fan, so I was delighted to see him win in Canada last time around. The performances of Romain Grosjean and Sergio Perez are worth highlighting too; exceptional drives from really promising young drivers. If Grosjean can avoid hitting Michael Schumacher at the first corner here in Valencia, expect him to challenge again.

Of course, the BBC have the rights to show this race, so I will be watching in spite of myself. I am likely to chain myself to a chair facing a freshly painted wall in an attempt to avoid the 'action'. However, we all know that I'll find a way to watch what should be a gripping (my armrest in frustration) race.

I will try and get a piece on the race done as soon as possible so I can go into overdrive with my spamming of Andrew Benson's column on BBC Sport. I hope you guys stick around to see what I have to say. I promise it will be funnier than this piece, it's just anticipating being bored is very difficult to make funny.

Even for me.

Germany v Greece preview

Six matches to go. How the hell has this happened? If, like me, you are essentially unemployed, then this year's European Championships have been the ultimate blessing. The opportunity to vent your frustration at unknown eastern Europeans while your fantasy football team struggles provides the perfect distraction from the need to actually earn some money and...you know, grow up.

But, in times of struggle, one must keep calm and back the Germans, and that is what I plan to do here.

For so long, the cliches associated with German football were about how "efficient" they were or how one should "never write off the Germans." I wrote off the Germans once, and I'm still paying for it. The shame. These days, there is a glorious unpredictability about Germany; they will either play well, or they will play really well. The drama!

Tonight, they play the weakest team left in the tournament.

What frustrates me most about this game is not that Greece qualified despite being a dreadful team, nor that a certain German victory will mean that England - should they beat Italy - will only be playing for the right to lose to a better team once again. No, what annoys me is that weeks ago, I proposed the possibility of Germany winning this quarter-final against Greece, giving me the chance to write the brilliant headline "No referendum needed, Germany kick Greece out of the Euro." Now everyone has thought of it and I just look like Ross in 'Friends' when he said he came up with the phrase "got milk?"

I digress from digressing.

I honestly can't see past a German win. That said, I can never envisage a world where Greece win football games, yet it happens. In Mario Gomez, the Germans have a striker who has more goals than touches of the football. Gomez remains a player I don't rate too highly and the tireless work of Bastian Schweinsteiger, Mesut Ozil and Lukas Podolski makes me think of the horse Boxer in 'Animal Farm', the animal which did all the work while the greedy pigs get all the spoils.

Come on Germany

In defence, the Germans can be exposed, but luckily for them, Greece aren't great at exposing vulnerabilities, all economic jokes aside. Besides, if the defence do muck it up, Manuel Neuer is more than likely to bail them out, all economic jokes aside. Having said that Germany's defence can be brittle, can't anyone's? Pretty much all the teams at Euro 2012 are said to have a weak defence, maybe defending is just harder? Or, in our own minds, we are remorseless, tackling machines?

Greece's only real hope coming into this game was their captain Giorgos Karagounis, but even he got suspended after he was booked for 'diving' against Russia by a referee who seems as desperate as me to avoid the snorefest that was Euro 2004. In defence, a lot of players with very long names are impressive, but shouldn't have enough to cover the movement of Germany's attacking quintet, a group of men more scary and evil than One Direction. In attack...there probably won't be much attack, but Georgios Samaras and Dimitris Salpingidis will have much depending on them, but they are unlikely to cause too many problems.

Is it me, or is European 'weird' weirder
than regular 'weird'?

That said, they will probably score from a corner and win 1-0. Again.

To all my Greek readers, I apologise for any bias against your team. Your players have done your country proud in such difficult circumstances. However, I am a football fan, not a nice person. Come on Germany.

Portugal vs Czech Republic preview

"How do I make this article funny?" I thought to myself as I wept and slowly rocked back and forth on my bedroom floor this afternoon. Many of you would argue that none of my pieces are particularly funny, but it's not going to stop me trying. At the very least, I am going to use this Portugal-themed article to try and win some free chicken from Nando's. The problem for me is that Portugal - for all their technically gifted players - and Czech Republic - for all their lack of technically gifted players - just aren't as funny as say Ireland or Denmark, who have provided me with about twenty opportunities to put 'Nicklas Bendtner' and 'pants' into the same sentence.

So here's a joke:
Helder Postiga and Milan Baros walk into a European Championship. They are allowed to stay.

Portugal approach tonight's game with a favourites tag which is likely to make them fall apart. For all their flair and pace with Cristiano Ronaldo and Nani, there is often a way in which they cock it up, usually through passing the ball to Postiga, who is now likely to score a hat-trick to prove my journalistic ineptitude. Their midfield is the epitome of OK. Joao Moutinho, Raul Meireles and Miguel Veloso are all decent players, but they are essentially three Michael Carricks, only with names which would not be out of place at a Mediterranean gay bar. That's some food for thought. Nando's.

At the back, Portugal still look suspect. Their central defenders are strong, but still susceptible to being exposed by top level strikers. While Pepe has an almost child-like abandon in the way he plays, his calmness on the ball often leads to mistakes. Bruno Alves looks like Michael Jackson as a zombie in thriller. Luckily for the Portuguese, I can't see Baros and co causing them too many problems, but a potential semi-final against Spain could be good to watch.

As for the Czechs, my dinner going cold and lack of knowledge about the team means that the less said about them the better. When your only world class player starts making basic errors, you know you're in for a struggle. Thumped by the eliminated Russia in the first game, Czech Republic only just struggled past Greece who, as you'll find out tomorrow, I don't rate very highly. They not only qualified, but finished top of Group A thanks to a win over co-hosts Poland, who it turns out aren't very good either.

I'm hoping for all hell to break loose tonight. One day without football has left me hungry (Nando's) for more, so a 4-3 win for Portugal wouldn't go amiss. I predict (an actual prediction) a comfortable Portugal win, with Ronaldo slowly starting to find some form...and he's in my fantasy football team.

I will probably update this when the Czechs win 1-0, but in the meantime, feast (Nando's) on my footballing knowledge. I'm going to e-mail a certain restaurant about the opportunity to win a black card.

Rooney wonder goal carries England forward

When Steven Gerrard's tame right wing cross was half cleared by the Ukrainian defence five minutes into the second half, there was a sense of deja vu for long-suffering England fans last night. Once again, a promising attack looked destined to peter out (can anything ever peter in?). Against Sweden or France, England would have remained frustrated, the deadlock more shut than Alan Shearer's world of tactical wonder.

However, this time, England had Wayne Rooney.

Ukraine admire Rooney's moment of genius

Anticipating the danger where no-one else would, Rooney sprinted in at lightning speed, creating the space to allow himself a half-chance. But the odds remained against the new Ballon d'Or favourite, and a collective Eastern European sigh of relief was about to be breathed. And then the incredible happened; Rooney twisted his body to react to the spinning, bouncing ball, and headed the ball into the top corner of the net, leaving the goalkeeper with no chance. The restored England centre forward had made the astonishingly difficult appear incredibly easy. Rooney even scored the goal with someone else's hair.

After that moment of genius, England sat back; not through nerves or tactical naivety, but because they knew that their mix of impenetrable defence and outstanding mental strength would ensure that a one goal lead would be sufficient. On only one occasion did Ukraine look like breaching the rock-solid England defence, but the lightning quick John Terry was able to comfortably clear Marko Devic's shot off the line.

Inconclusive at best

So, England play Italy next, in what should be a pretty easy game. We're not playing Spain, so Italy should be easy to beat. Most of their players don't even play in the Premier League, so they must be awful, or at least not up to the level of the consistently excellent Mario Balotelli. Throughout the tournament, Italy have refused to conform to the 4-4-2 formation, which known across the continent as the most supple and adaptable system to employ in tight, technical European football. At the start of this tournament, I thought that England would have absolutely no chance of reaching the quarter-final, with group-stage elimination a certainty. Now, I think that any sane person would declare England as one of the tournament favourites.

With Glen Johnson combining swashbuckling attacking play with resolute defending, the aforementioned Terry giving the defence much needed team spirit and pace, and Ashley Cole using his personal and motivational skills to cheer on the team, England look unbeatable at the back. On very few occasions have the opposition been allowed to dominate and cause major problems. Look at the France game, where the apparent favourites never looked like scoring.

In midfield, while our continental cousins insist on an extra man and a player with so-called "creativity", England have Scott Parker, a man who works really, really hard, which should be enough to ensure success, even if he doesn't think so. Despite Scott's efforts, the undisputed jewel in England's midfield is James Milner. When the exceptional Gareth Barry was ruled out of the tournament, nearly all England fans were at a loss to explain how England would cope with the superiority of our opponents. Milner. That's how. His pace, vision and crossing will ensure that England continue to cause problems even for the most difficult opponents.

England's secret weapon: James Milner.
Strong as an ox, graceful as a ballerina. 

With exceptional bench strength, England don't even have to worry about injuries to their top players. What if Steven Gerrard gets injured? Jordan Henderson. What if we lose Ashley Young? Stewart Downing. If Rooney loses his (well thatched) head? Andy Carroll. It is almost looking too easy for the English. By contrast, Italy's best reserve striker is Antonio Di Natale, and I have never heard of him, so he can't be that good. Germany's bench includes nobodies like Toni Kroos, Miroslav Klose and Mario Gotze.

When we beat Italy, England will face the old enemy: Germany. I'm trying to be fair to the Germans, but I can't think of any world-class players in their team. They remain a functional, efficient team with a real lack of flair, and it is no wonder they are not highly fancied to win Euro 2012. How the inexperienced Mesut Ozil deals with some good old-fashioned tackling from Scott Parker will be interesting to watch. It will be only a matter of time before England get the ball out to the right hand side and whip a cross in, where someone will be on hand to turn it in. It's a predictable tactic, but it's mightily effective.

Who else could stop the English? Spain I guess. Their midfield may be pretty good, but I reckon they don't like it up 'em. Their defence looks really suspect, with a worrying penchant for passing the ball to the midfield instead of playing the percentages and hitting it to the strikers. It's all very well and good having 80% of possession, but it's what you do with it that matters (Motson, 1978) and football is a funny old game (BBC pundits, circa 1990) because it only takes a second to score a goal (Clough, 1977). Spain don't even play with a tall striker, confirming the suspicions of many football experts: that Spain's "tiki-taka" method lags way behind the innovative system employed by England. Call me crazy, but I can see England winning this tournament.

Watch and learn Scott...

If they don't, we'll know who to blame: the one England player who slips on the turf in the semi-final (these Eastern European pitches really have nothing on our pristine Premier League grounds) or Roy Hodgson, who has had more than enough time to implement his ideas. In all likelihood though, if England lose, it will be of no fault of the team.

Bring on the final!

Twelve down, nineteen to go

Sorry I'm late, my bus was delayed.

As the title of this piece says, we're technically approaching halfway at this year's European Championships. I have had until five o'clock every evening to write about 600 words about football, and I haven't. It turns out doing nothing is incredibly taxing. However, with 5,000 page views on the horizon, I thought I'd step up the effort.

I WILL do an England v Sweden preview before tomorrow's game, don't worry darlings. Six days in, here are my best and worst performers of the tournament so far.

Best team:
Germany.
Such is my laziness and lack of organisation, this 'award' was always going to go to a team in Group A or B, as they have now played twice. That said, I can't really think of any team that has played particularly well from Group C or D, so no harm done. I promised myself I wouldn't use the word "efficient" when describing Germany, but I'll have to. They've just been so f*cking efficient.

To beat Portugal and the Netherlands is no easy feat, but Germany did it without even playing particularly well. Against Portugal, Germany were average, but were able to win and - the last ten minutes aside - kept Portugal at arms length with all the ease of a school bully holding back a midget.

Against the Dutch, the midget was slightly bigger, but so was the bully's arm. A tenuous analogy at the best of times that one. Mario Gomez has taken his fair share of criticism from me in the past, but he has brushed it off with great professionalism. Not many recover from my my accusations, but the striker took his two goals against the Netherlands with amazing skill. Other than his two finishes, he touched the ball maybe twice more in the entire game, but that was enough. He is extremely lucky though, when I was a schoolboy, my deadly accurate finishing was often overlooked due to my apparent lack of skill, ability and general idea what was going on.

Most under-rated team
England.
Say what?! That's right, at previous international tournaments, England had had their abilities more over-rated than the Beatles or white chocolate, but expectations could not have been lower this time around. They did not play brilliantly against France, but they didn't have to. I am going to - for the first time - give England the benefit of the doubt...they played a tactical blinder against France. At international tournaments, you can't afford to lose the first group game according to Mark Bright, the England veteran. With that in mind, and the absence of Wayne Rooney, England were right to switch to damage limitation mode and try and keep France out. They just about did it, but - whisper it - England aren't half as bad as we think they are. Denmark have been good too, but I can't give an award to Nicklas Bendtner, no matter how indirectly.

Worst team:
Greece.
As if having the economy wasn't enough, it now seems the fate of the Greek football team is in the hands of others. Surprise winners at Euro 2004, a lot of people have been coy and circumspect regarding Greece's chances. I wasn't. In a rare moment of good football insight, I predicted how poor they would be. Awful for 45 minutes against Poland in their opener, the sending off of that guy with the really long name seemed to galvanise them. Poland tired and seemed to stop playing and Greece capitalised, but were unable to fully exploit their momentum and missed a penalty before taking a draw.

Most people would have made Czech Republic favourites for the game against Greece, forgetting that the Czech's are now very average. That does not disguise the fact that Greece were utterly outplayed and when they were forced to chase the game after going 2-0 down early, they offered very little threat, only allowed back into the game by another goalkeeping error.

Most over-rated team:
The Netherlands.
I was a bit harsh on Greece there, but only because I couldn't give worst team and most over-rated team to this lot. What on earth has happened to the Dutch? Sneijder, Van Persie, Robben. We have Carroll and Henderson...and we have one more point having played one less game. Unlucky in many ways against Denmark, they missed a bucket load of chances (if that's a real thing) and could have taken the positives from their defeat.

But they didn't.

Last night, they threatened Germany for around fifteen minutes, before a couple of missed chances set them back. From there on in, Germany exploited an awful defence to score two brilliant goals and never looked threatened when the Dutch attacked. Despite all their attacking talent, the Dutch simply couldn't fashion any clear-cut chances until Van Persie reminded us all that he's still quite good.

Best player:
Alan Dzagoev.
I just love that someone called "Alan" is being talked of as the leading young player in Europe. Alan! The Russian playmaker came into the tournament as a relative unknown, expect for me, who put him in my fantasy football team. I won't gloat about said fantasy football team because I have Shay Given in goal, and tonight he faces up against Spain.

Dzagoev has already scored three goals but, unlike Garth Crooks, I am not picking him because of goals alone. Unlike the mercurial Andrei Arshavin on the other side of Russia's strike force, Dzagoev works very hard and is constantly buzzing around, creating havoc for opposition defenders. He can even score headers...but then his name is Alan

Worst player:
Arjen Robben or Jetro Willems
Robeen has been synonymous of the Netherland's wretched campaign so far, which is a shame, because he is arguably their most talented player. His relatively selfish attitude is sometimes what sets him out from the rest, but in a team which tries to play Total Football, his pig-headedness has contributed to his country facing oblivion. Think how Wesley Sneijder - who has been excellent - must feel when he plays a 30 yard ball to the winger, only to see him try and dribble past two players and smash a ball over from way outside the box.

I know Jetro Willems is only 7 years old, but that does not disguise the fact that he was ruthlessly exposed last night by the, sigh, efficient Germans. Way out of his depth, most neutrals were screaming for him to be replaced for his own sake.

BBC vs ITV:
Both crap, but ITV have been laughable. Not because they've been funny, because they've been shit. Adrian Chiles seems to be nothing more than a tool to encourage youngsters that a path into journalism is possible with a regional accent, no charisma and an ugly face. The BBC haven't been at their best and remain somewhat functional and safe, but their analysis and commentary is far better than ITV's usually good in-game coverage. Give us a job?

Best goal:
Jakub Blaszczykowski.
I need a lie down after writing that. Every tournament, there is a moment when the whole competition just seems to come alive. For four days, Euro 2012 had been anything but a disappointment, but still needed a little spark. It moment to ensure the tournament would be looked back on with fondness, as the most popular pictures were the shameful stereotyping of Eastern European football fans by our lovely media outlets. The Polish captain's goal seemed to lift the roof off not just the stadium, but the whole country, and there was a feeling that Euro 2012 had begun. The celebrations seemed a little exuberant considering that the goal didn't really change Poland's situation, but that should not matter.

So there we have it, I gave you your article, let's see if we can get this thing up to 5k views.

Please share and comment, if I share, far-right people on the BBC website yell at me, so I'll play my cards close to my chest there.

Euro 2012 preview number 4,576,192

Throughout this year's European Championships, I'm going to try and do a post every other day to keep up to date with the major - or funny - stories of the tournament. Because I've already done a Formula One piece, I'm a little tired so will just do a little rundown of all the teams at the tournament. Enjoy!

GROUP A

Poland
Vast swathes of English people will this summer descend upon the most populous urban areas of eastern Europe to impose their cultures, drink too much and drain public finances. I'm not making any Daily Mail-esque comparisons, that will only be witty if you're a little bit right-wing. If you're liberal, then you won't find that funny, but luckily, that wasn't funny. As one of the host countries, Poland have a genuine chance of progression to the quarter-finals, where they will then get spanked by one of the teams in Group B, home advantage or not. A "quirk" or "irritation" in the seeding system means that Poland were seeded top for their group, because three home games and automatic qualification is not a big enough advantage. I fancy them to go through, as their strong Borussia Dortmund contingent of players whose names I cannot spell may just shock their opponents.

RussiaThe seeding system is Poland's gain and Russia's, well...gain. In the opinion of many, including yours truly, the Russians are the favourites to top Group A, where a possible mouth-watering rematch of their Euro 2008 quarter-final against the Netherlands awaits. I say mouth-watering, it will be all right, not amazing. Group A is incredibly weak and the Russians were predictably strong in qualifying, but I can't remember how strong they were, because I can't be bothered to look it up. Players like Arshavin, Pavlyuchenko and Zhirkov were flops in the Premier League, but remain important to Russia. However, Russia have three key players who many British  fans will be unfamiliar with. Igor Akinfeev, a long-time target for Manchester United, is a top goalkeeper, while Aleksandr Kerzhakov is a deadly striker with a good record for his country...and he's MILES better than Pavlyuchenko. Finally, Alan Dzagoev will provide a lot of Russia's flair. Playing on the opposite side to Arshavin, Russia are a very dangerous side, and 21-year-old Dzagoev is key.

Czech RepublicWho remembers when the Czech Republic were good? I do. Poborsky, Berger, Nedved, Koller all came and have all gone from the country which was often the surprise package at European Championships. In 1996, the Czechs reached the final, only to be beaten in golden goal by Germany. Four years later, only an evil group including France and the Dutch prevented them from progressing beyond the group stages. In 2004, they won all their group games, including epic matches with Germany, the Netherlands...and Latvia. They saw off Denmark (I think) in the quarter-finals with ease, and Milan Baros found himself as tournament top-scorer. However, like Baros scoring, nothing lasts forever and they were knocked out by a silver goal (remember that?) by a Greek player...Dellas I think. Four years ago, a team similar to today's side was competitive enough to beat the Swiss, lose to Portugal, and lead Turkey with ten minutes left. However, Turkey came back to win and knock out the Czech's. I have spent this section reminiscing because other than Tomas Rosicky and Petr Cech, their team is unremarkable, although a weak group may see them progress.

GreeceAhhh Greece. Never write off the Greeks (not an economics joke). Seriously, don't. After years of international averageness, they managed to see off Portugal, Spain, France and Czech Republic (but not Russia) to win Euro 2004 with a sum total of six goals from six matches, pretty much all of them scored after about an hour from a corner. Everyone lapped up the underdog story, and then realised that what had happened was in many ways a defeat for decent football. They have talented players like the two Papadopoulos' (or Papadopouli) defenders and Sotiris Ninis, but have an overall lack of quality which will prove crucial. I can't see them winning it again and I see a swift exit from Europe for them (not an economics joke).

GROUP B

GermanyNever write off the Germans either. It doesn't matter how good or bad their team is, they always find a way to go far into tournaments. Defeats in the semi-finals at the last two World Cups and a loss in the Euro 2008 final will have hurt them, but they look set to go far again. While the team in 2010 was talented, it was arguably too young. The group of players has now matured and they look a real force to be reckoned with. In Manuel Neuer, Germany have one of the best goalkeepers and despite a sense of the unknown regarding their best back four, Phillip Lahm is one of the best, if not the best right backs in the world. It is in midfield where all the usual German cliches come out. "Efficient", "powerful", "reliable" are usually terms used for a BMW, and this German midfield certainly has a great "engine"...am I right?! Bastian - Sebastian - Schewinsteiger and Sami Khedira will protect a potentially brittle defence, while players like Mesut Ozil and Thomas Mueller provide the ammunition for whatever striker Germany pick, either Mario Gomez or Miroslav Klose. Klose has a habit of scoring at major tournaments, while Gomez has had a prolific season with Bayern Munich...even though every time I see him I have been disappointed. I expect a place in the final for Germany, but not victory.

The Netherlands
Ahhh the Dutch, everyone loves the Dutch. A lot of us don't necessarily like the Netherlands for footballing reasons, but, like one of their most famous "services", Dutch football often leaves you relaxed and mellow, with a slight sense of paranoia if your country is playing them next. For so long in-fighting wrecked Dutch campaigns at major tournaments, but the last two competitions have shown a Dutch team which is full of talent, but with a steel to compete with the best. With Mark Van Bommel and Nigel De Jong screening a back four which, like Germany, can be vulnerable, there is licence for the attacking players to wreak havoc. And these attacking players aren't bad. Robin Van Persie, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar, Wesley Sneijder and Arjen Robben have had contrasting seasons, but if the four link up like they can, the Dutch will score enough goals to cater for the concessions they will make in defence. Strength in depth with Dirk Kuyt and Ibrahim Affelay could be the key here and I back the Netherlands to win the whole shabbang. Yes, shabbang.

Portugal
Ronaldo, Ronaldo, Ronaldo. That seems to be the perception of Portugal's Euro 2012 team. In Ronaldo, the Portuguese arguably possess the best player at the tournament but, as they found out at Euro 2008, one individual is often not enough. Of course, Portugal have a number of quality players in other positions, but much will depend on their talisman striker. Fabio Coentrao is one of the world's best left-backs and a midfield of Miguel Veloso and Joao Moutinho is strong. However, in such a tough group, I can't see Portugal going past the group stages. There isn't really anything funny to say about Portugal, they're just not a funny country.

Denmark
Tipped by most people - including me - to be the whipping boys in a group harder than a Viagra tester, Denmark may benefit from low expectations. In fact, Denmark are ranked higher than Portugal in FIFA's world rankings at number nine, and even beat the Portuguese in qualifying. So why are they being written off? For some reason in England, we value the individual over the team. Hence our love of David Becham and our persistence with our banking system. Denmark - Christian Eriksen and Nicklas Bendtner (the world's best striker, just ask him) aside - have no superstar players and are built around a solid team and a good defence. Here in England, we love the individual, which is why the whole country will be scratching their heads when Portugal (probably) don't make it out of Group D. I fancy the Danes to beat Portugal, but still fall short of qualification.

GROUP C

Spain
Are really good. With good reason, they are many people's favourites for the tournament, having won both Euro 2008 and World Cup 2012. Still persisting with their system which emphasises short-passing over a more English "BOOT IT SON" style, they have better ball retention than a severely psychotic girlfriend. Get used to over-use of the words "tiki-taka", which describes their passing style, not the alternative name for noughts and crosses. There is a suggestion that Spain are becoming vulnerable and easier to work out, which is why the inclusion of the tall striker Fernando Llorente is so important for them. This will give Spain an option to mix things up rather than endlessly keeping the ball amongst their fourteen midfielders. To give you an idea of how good Spain are, Juan Mata will get nowhere near the first XI. That said, I can't see them winning it this time and I fancy them to come unstuck against whichever team from Group B they play in the semi-final.

ItalyAre not so good. The World Cup winners in 2006 have regressed slowly over the last few years. Too often criticised for being slow and too old, they have attempted to shake up the squad with more exciting, younger players, but preparations have been poor for this tournament, with a 3-0 loss to Russia the nadir. Yes, I say words like nadir now. Denied only by penalties against Spain in 2008, they had a poor World Cup in 2010, coming bottom of a group including New Zealand and Slovakia. If enigmatic players like Mario Balotelli and  Antonio Di Natale fire, they could reach the semi-finals, but the squad still appears mediocre. The midfield is OK, with players like Andrea Pirlo and Claudio Marchisio (the most Italian name of all time) pulling the strings. The problem - ironically for Italy - may be in defence, despite the excellent Giorgio Cheillini (the second most Italian name of all time).

CroatiaThe battle for the right to finish behind Spain seems to be between Croatia and Italy. The Croats, who the Italians have never beaten, come into the tournament having flown slightly under the radar. The loss of Ivica Olic will be a blow, but there are still a number of players who Premier League fans will recognise. Vedran Corluka and Luka Modric are important players, but much may depend on Nikica Jelavic to score the goals if they are to progress from Group C. Croatia have overachieved in recent years, performing well in major tournaments, and I think they could do the same here. However, I think that Italy's experience will prove just too much for them and I think Croatia will be left longing for a spot in Group A.

Republic of Ireland
Aha! It's time for us to all remind everyone of our long-lost Irish ancestry! "I'm a two-hundred and fifty-sixth Irish, so I hope they do well". Like the Netherlands, everyone seems to love the Irish. Unlike the Netherlands, it isn't for their footballing prowess. Ireland have a pretty limited and forgettable squad, but their group gives them a chance. A win against Croatia wouldn't be farfetched and victory or at least a draw could be at least a neighbour to the realms of possibility. That said, despite talented players like James McClean and Robbie Keane and their history of overachieving in big tournaments, I think it will be an early plane home for the Irish. Their players anyway, their fans may stick around a while longer.

GROUP D
England
OK, let's get this over with. I can't say anything about England that hasn't been said. I can't even say anything funny about them which is new, due to Stewart Downing and Martin Kelly's call-ups. The absence of Wayne Rooney will be a blow for England but fortunately, his suspension means he won't get sent off in the first two games. Andy Carroll and Danny Welbeck will fight it out up front during Rooney's absence and if they can somehow be in with a chance going into the final game against the Ukraine, England may just pull through. Injuries have also taken their toll, but may provide an opportunity for over-rated young players to shine. I won't talk about the John Terry/Rio Ferdinand thing, but Terry should be right at home at the Euros if Panorama is to be believed.

FranceLike at Euro 2004, England kick off against France, our best friends. Let's try and avoid French stereotypes shall we? France had a decent but unspectacular qualifying campaign which has served to keep expectations low, which is good for a team who are often "unpredictable" as "you never know what you're going to get with the French". With good players in every position, they shouldn't suffer from a snail-like start against England and should tower above the rest of the group. Their player to watch is Jeremy Menez, who can play just about anywhere in attacking midfield. I think that they will top Group D and face a medicore Group C runner-up, before being beaten in the semi-finals. Not as easy to fit French puns in as you would think. Sacre Bleu.

SwedenENGLAND HAVE NEVER BEATEN SWEDEN IN A COMPETITIVE GAME. DID YOU KNOW THAT?! Yes, we do now. I have so little to say about Sweden it hurts. They have Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who is about as predictable as a greasy-haired Mentho in a well-paid Diet Coke. So often anonymous on the biggest stage, much will depend on Sweden's talisman. Umm, they also have Jonas Olsson, who is the world's most boring man. That's about it. They could qualify for the quarter-finals, where they will get beaten by Spain. They could overcome England and Ukraine, but could easily finish bottom of the group. I just don't know OK?

Ukraine
This took so much longer than I anticipated. But I'm finally at the second co-host. They play in yellow and their player's names are hard to spell. But I am a tiny bit excited about Ukraine's chances. Not so excited for a little bit of wee to come out, but a bit excited still. They have a good team and the hosts could do well at the tournament. In front of a passionate, vociferous (insert third adjective) crowd, they could trouble their opponents. In Artem Milevskiy, Ukraine have a striker who doesn't score. They have a crap defence and a 35-year-old Andriy Shevchenko. Watch out for (seriously, watch him) Yarmolenko. I forget his first name, but he is unforgettable. Probably. I expect a showdown with England for the final qualification place in Group D, but I back England to just about edge out the hosts.

So there it is. Euro 2012 starts tonight, so goodbye incredibly busy social life, hello snacks and lots of TV.

Round 7: Canadian capers

A lot has happened in Formula One while I've been away.

I did a little piece about the Bahrain Grand Prix a while back, a post that got a hell of a lot of views...by my standards. Sebastian Vettel's win in the Gulf brought back ominous memories of last season, when the German swept aside all before him. That day, I had that strange feeling akin to when your regular teacher returns after a week off, bringing an end to the dossing and frivolity in the presence of the supply teacher. I did use the words dossing and frivolity there, but don't worry, I haven't suddenly gone Jubilee crazy and turned really posh, I'm still the same guy.

But a lot has changed.

Pastor Maldonado won the Spanish Grand Prix in a race I honestly can't remember much of. I know the BBC showed the whole race, but they may as well have clumsily edited it to save time. But, this being the BBC, they were very professional and showed all the best bits. Next was Monaco, a race which was nearly brilliant but, despite the opinions of other, wasn't. It is not often that the top six cars finish within five seconds of each other and Felipe Massa doesn't spin off in wettish conditions, but it was still a pedestrian race on the public streets. Mark Webber became the sixth different driver to win this season and claimed his second win in the principality. And next up is Canada.

The race in Montreal - or a weird island just outside it - is one of my favourite Grand Prix of the year. The combination of long straights and fast chicanes give it an almost Monza feel. In fact, they are almost the same circuit, but I'm sure it is just a coincidence; after all, none of F1's newer tracks are suspiciously similar.

Anyone with at least a passing interest in F1 will remember last year's race, where Jenson Button collided with Lewis Hamilton and Fernando Alonso, was often at the back, but came through to win on the final lap. All this was achieved in addition to a drive-thru penalty for speeding under the safety car. After clashing with his team-mate and Alonso, this punishment must have felt like a mafia leader being given a prison sentence for littering. As he so often does, Button excelled in unpredictable conditions and he was helped by numerous safety cars which contributed to making the race about three days long.

But what does this weekend have in store for us? A seventh different winner is a very real possibility, with Lewis Hamilton yet to claim a victory this year and often imperious around the Gilles Villeneuve circuit. His pole lap and lights-to-flag victory in 2007 outlined his talent. A stunning lap followed by a mindless error in 2008 showed us his inconsistency. Two years later, he broke Red Bull's monopolistic hold over pole position, before running out of fuel on the way back to the pits, an offence he was punished for in Spain, but not back then, when McLaren were slightly less incompetent. What followed the next day was the best race of 2010, when high tyre wear and five contenders for victory battled for most of the race, with Hamilton eventually emerging victorious after thrilling battles with Alonso and Vettel.

As mentioned already, the 2011 race was even better. You'll be seeing enough highlights of those over the next few days if, like me, you spend a worryingly high proportion of your days flicking through the BBC Sport website.

Other contenders for victory are the two Lotus drivers. Kimi Raikkonen and Romain Grosjean are handily placed in the World Championship standings after consistent performances this year. I know, the words "Raikkonen" and "consistent" don't often go hand-in-hand, but he has been impressive in 2012, while his team-mate has often been a victim of misfortune and being near Michael Schumacher, which means he only has 35 points when he could have easily had at least 50. The Swiss/French/German/Austrian/Belgian driver is a contender in Canada as the Lotus has good straight-line speed. That said, he'll probably qualify sixth again and run into...

Michael Schumacher. In all six races, the 53 year-old has qualified well, including last time around in Monaco WHEN HE DID NOT QUALIFY ON POLE. Yes, he was fastest, but he qualified sixth, so I wish everyone would stop getting a stiffy over it. For some reason, I sympathise with Michael and want him to do well...ish. He has been unlucky in nearly all the races this season and has picked up just two points, which is the same as both the Toro Rosso drivers, who I don't think have even competed in a race yet.

I personally think this weekend's race will be a great one, but the later start time (who invented time zones anyway?) and Sky coverage will make things a little annoying. I love the Canadian Grand Prix and can't remember a boring one, so I hope this weekend is no different. If it is, I'll just moan at the BBC, Sky, Martin Whitmarsh and maybe Michel Platini for some reason. So, boring or not, I'll have a blog on Sunday for you guys to enjoy/despair at grammatical errors.

It's good to be back.

Guess who's back, back again

Hello comrades!

Yes, it's been a long time, but I am finally back to test the murky waters of useless, banal, apathetic sports analysis. Fasten your seatbelts and get a brolly ready, coz there's a sporting storm a-coming and you don't want to get wet.

After a tiny investment into my future for the opportunity to write this shit for a living, it was suggested that I give up blogging for a while.
"But my fans! Where will they go?!" I said.
"Phil McNulty or Andrew Benson's blog" they said.

But, you'll be delighted to hear that my final exams went really well and I even managed to secure an internship with the good people at Total Football Magazine. The wheels are turning.

So, stop fawning over my picture and put the Kleenex away. Seriously, stop it, it's a bit gross. Coming up today is a preview of Euro 2012 and perhaps the Canadian Grand Prix. I will be writing a little blog about Euro 2012 games every other day, so get ready!

Let's do this.

'Playing for pride'

Sorry, this is perhaps unfairly lifted from an article I did for Total Football magazine. Yes, I've started to make as much of a splash as a fart in the bath, but it's a start. I have loooots to do, so about 97% of you will be delighted while I take a break for a while, in the meantime, enjoy the below!

We are fast approaching the last weekend of the Premier League season, which means all the clichés are coming out in force: “For all intents and purposes”, “must-win game” and “like a cup final.”

But while the last weeks of the season often equate to "the business end", for others it has long since finished, resigned to a fate of mid-table security as teams either fall well short or far exceed pre-season expectations. For these teams, the final few games usually mean that only pride is at stake.

Games against these sides are said to be the easiest of all, another cliché being that “the teams at the bottom are fighting for their lives” and ought to be avoided. All reasonable logic dictates that a team in twelfth is a more likely cause for concern than a team in eighteenth. But apparently not.

This weekend, Manchester City know that a win against struggling Queens Park Rangers will “for all intents and purposes” seal a first title since 1968. There is just one catch; QPR are “fighting for their lives”. Should City slip up, local rivals Manchester United will win the title with a win against a Sunderland side who have been safe from relegation for weeks. Victory for United is seen by many as a foregone conclusion, simply because Sunderland have “nothing to play for.”

Other teams with different agendas face a similar conundrum. QPR, as mentioned before, know that a draw would suffice against City to ensure survival but have been largely written off due to City’s own objective. As for fellow strugglers Bolton, they face an away trip to Stoke, themselves wedged in a tightly-packed but largely apathetic struggle for mid-table positions.

Stoke at the Britannia – as with Sunderland at the Stadium of Light – is often seen as one of the most daunting away trips for any Premier League side, but the edge has been taken away by the circumstances of both sides.

Is there any evidence for the theory of mid-table sides being the best to play against? Last night, Liverpool trounced a Chelsea side still harbouring a very slight ambition to finish in the top four. Liverpool knew that their season was all but over, but seemed desperate to please their long-suffering home support and duly hammered their visitors.

Who is to say that Stoke and Sunderland don’t turn in their performance of the season, motivated by the desperation of their opponents and the fervent support of their home crowds for the last time in a largely successful (if relatively comfortable) season?

We often hear that “the pressure may just get to them” in reference to sides who need a certain result to fulfil their ambitions. But can’t the sides with “nothing to play for” realise that the pressure is off and play with a care-free abandon, which in many cases can inspire them to new heights?

Take Manchester City as an example, after months of wearily holding off United’s attempts to usurp them at the top of the league this season, they eventually folded under the weight of expectation and fell eight points behind their rivals.

Suddenly shorn of pressure and expectation, City re-discovered the attacking flair which had made them such a potent force earlier in the season. The momentum gathered from this run of form eventually saw them beat (and subsequently overtake) a United side who had stuttered under the pressure which was suddenly handed to them.

Other examples are Arsenal and Fulham. For much of the season, Arsenal were playing catch-up to their rivals Tottenham and – with low expectations – were able to go on a stunning run which reeled in a Tottenham side who suddenly began to panic. Since taking over third place, Arsenal have stuttered themselves and are without a win since beating Wolves, four games ago.

As for Fulham, they have been all but safe since the turn of the year. Suddenly liberated by their freedom, they have shown brilliant form in the last couple of months to rise to ninth in the table.

So you see, nothing in football is a given. Just because you have to win doesn’t make you more likely to. If Bolton and Manchester United expect to simply turn up and achieve their required wins next weekend, they may well get an unpleasant surprise. Pressure, it has been said, can “form diamonds” but also “crack pipes”. Beware the liberated teams, just because their season is “over” doesn’t mean they can’t wreck yours.

No jokes, no funny pictures, just me keeping you occupied for a while! Hope you enjoyed it :)

Agony vs apathy

That's right, do I want to write about the Manchester derby or the England manager job?

"I thought it was a fart"

I have decided to write about Monday night, simply because I have a weird theory that writing about my angst will exorcise my demons.

I wanted to watch the match, but I still don't have Sky and because I am deluded, I often think that how I watch a match will determine the outcome. With that in mind, I was left with a few choices:

Watch the match at my Students Union and chew my nails off while quaffing pint after pint of warm cider. The problem with that is that I would have to watch the match with Manchester United fans from Surrey who, of course, we all hate. Yes, I am a Manchester United fan from Surrey.

Follow the match on the radio/internet at home. And have to break the news of a conceded goal to my manopausal father? No thanks. His huffing about during the tough times makes trying to be positive very difficult (he's Scottish), so I abandoned this option.

Go to the other half’s house (we'd won at Spurs and Arsenal when I was there this year), put my fingers in my ears, curl into the foetal position and sob meekly for two hours, waiting for the highlights on Match of the Day.

This was me on Monday, well, this has been
 me for every United game since 194

Of course, I picked the third option.

Like the subject of that Stevie Wonder song, I am very superstitious and from one minute past eight, the writing was on the wall for Manchester United.

Time ticked by slower than United's midfield as I counted down to ten thirty-five. And I really wish I hadn't bothered with my "tactic". Had I chosen a different method, United would have not only showed up, they may have even have had a shot, they may have even scored.

I've gone through the five stages of grief regarding our approach of defend, defend, defend. It can work from time to time; Chelsea's heroics in Barcelona are testament to this, but United don't really have any good defenders, which made things tricky. Still, only a draw was required, so playing a 4-5-1 formation was an understandable - if stupid - decision. If I have reached "acceptance" with the approach, I am still somewhere around "anger" when I think about the personnel. Against a team as dynamic as Manchester City, you need a midfield which will match their energy, drive and, above all, talent. So why on earth did United pick Scholes, Giggs and Park? The combined age of the three men is around one hundred and five and it showed as from the first minute to last, United were run ragged.

We're playing who in midfield?!

Watching the highlights just made United's inferiority all the more apparent. Not once was there a twenty second snippet of a chance for the visitors or a near-missed through ball or a shot of Antonio  Valencia laughing like he always does. Despite enduring a 6-1 defeat to their rivals earlier in the season, United were arguably more inferior on Monday night than they were in October. They had no shots on target for the first time in a game for three years. In all honesty, the visitors were lucky to have that many. A lack of ambition and threat meant that City could play with greater freedom and commit more numbers to attack and eventually the pressure told at the end of the first half.

David Silva, after looking knackered a month ago, has been transformed in the last few weeks.  And it was his corner in first-half stoppage time which was headed in by Vincent Kompany for the goal that proved to be the winner (or in United’s case, the “goal which meant we couldn't play for a draw”). I don't want to moan about David De Gea, he gets enough crap from other "experts" and although he was at fault for the goal, his generally brilliant performances have dragged this mediocre team to within a few results of an undeserved twentieth title win.

So lay off him!

So, the second-half came around after a poor first forty-five minutes. United usually come out of the dressing room after half-time with very dry hair, very red faces and very sore backsides, which often sparks a comeback, but there was to be none. Despite being faced with the possibility of conceding the Premier League lead to their local rivals, the lack of tempo or flair remained blindingly (I'm not continuing the Stevie Wonder theme here) obvious.

City had a few chances to double their lead through Gael Clichy and the excellent Yaya Toure but ultimately, one goal was enough as the full-time whistle drew cheers from the home crowd. When the game was over (on the highlights) I wasn't even too sad. United are simply not at City's level at the moment and, over the course of the season, they have been largely second-best. And anyway, the title wasn't lost against City, it was last last weekend against Everton, a result I took with typical realism and grace.

"I just ruined your title hopes, now do a gay pose"

So what happens now?

For City, they have their hands on the wheel of a very unpredictable car. Weeks of being the "hunters" have helped lift the pressure and a continuation of their form through the final two games of the season will see them crowned as champions for the first time since 1726. Up next is a tricky away trip to Newcastle. Fortunately for City, Newcastle may be tired off the back of ninety minutes with a Chelsea side who have suddenly remembered how to play football.

For United, the pressure is off but questions need to be answered: How did they let an eight point lead slip in just two weeks? Why did they play Park-Ji-Sung? Why did David de Gea shave his beard? Since their keeper's trim, United have come across form as barren as De Gea's chin at the most unfortunate time. Their remaining games are against Swansea and Sunderland, who have nothing to play for. That said, seeing how United and City have played this season - with something to play for - tells us that pressure is bad, reckless abandon is good.

For about twenty years, many have claimed that United are in decline. It must be said that these claims have often come from fans of Liverpool, who have of course been destined to win each of the last fifteen league titles. But I won't say too much about Liverpool, as they have won a trophy this season, while United will probably fall short. And anyway, these people are probably right for once; United are slipping.

Changes need to be made in the summer if fans from the red side of Manchester can bear going to work on Monday mornings again. Patrice Evra has totally lost form over the past two seasons and may need to be replaced. As for Giggs and Scholes, despite their ageless performances and their experience - an attribute which is twice as over-rated and twice as dull as the Arctic Monkeys -  this season, they cannot be relied upon forever. I've had a good run, I’ve been alive for twenty one years, and been solely responsible for twelve Premier League titles.

However, as much as it pains me to say it, a City title win will probably signal a new era, at least until the owners get bored or take advice from Roman Abramovich. United must rebuild either this year, or wait one more season before making tough decisions. I am not in any way saying "Fergie out" here, but he has busted a gut presiding over a good, but not great, team for three years now, and he looks like he needs a break, but then again, he always does. Did you see him during the game? He looked like a giant cherry as he battled fruitlessly with Roberto Mancini on the touchline.

Ominously, that battle looks like being a metaphor for this season.

Roy Hodgson is England manager by the way.

NOTE: I acknowledge that many of you have been directed here from the BBC Sport website as I often parasite the blogs of other, more talented journalists. I appreciate your click! However, some people may have been offended by my - quite frankly - appalling lack of values. I am deeply apologetic for my awful, awful sins and rest assured I will burn in hell for them. Although it is my best chance of entering my desired profession, it is no excuse for such a heinous, evil act. On the other hand you could just ignore the link.

Comments and vitriol welcomed.